The Fall Down
by sanitypirate
Summary: They all think I'm so strong. I'll still be standing even if the world were to crumble down around me. But I'm scared. And they don't know how close I am to the edge of everything.
1. Forward: Twenty Years

Chapter 1

Forward: Twenty Years

At one point in the craziness that became my life during its seventeenth year, a boy named James Potter told me something I will never forget. "When you feel like everything is falling apart, just turn your attention to something else. Before you know it, everything will be okay." This is a wonderful philosophy... for a teenage boy going through a hard time. It doesn't exactly work when the entire world really is falling down around you; your friends and family trapped, screaming, in the wreckage. Since then, I've had to learn different strategies of coping with the terror that I have come to live with every day.

On one of these days, I was finally cleaning out a few old boxes. I found the old wooden box I received for my fifth birthday from my grandpa – who died the next year – in which I keep all of my old journals. It was late January 1980, come to think of it. I had been ordered to remain at home for the durations of my pregnancy, and had begun to run out of things to do while everyone I knew was off fighting for their lives as well as mine and my baby's. I set aside a day to read them all. As I was reading, my own life unfolded before me like a forgotten dream. All of the hopes and dreams of childhood became the wonder of discovery during my early teenage years, and then, in turn, slowly began to fall apart. I cried a lot that day.

While I read over my life, a single night kept floating to the forefront of my mind. It had been at Hogwarts, when everything was still so bloody possible, before the cracks turned into fissures and the walls began to crumble. We were in the common room, firelight dancing across our faces in the late night darkness, talking of things we barely understood. We talked about the war. We talked about the lost, and the stories they could have told. We talked about how, twenty years from now, no one would remember our names. We would be just another group of people that lived and died, useless, forgettable. Another group of tragic youths, our promise stolen away from under our own feet.

I remember distinctly the way Remus spoke of what he regretted. I wish now I had paid more attention to the others, and their reactions. He said, "I wish we had known that our innocence was running out. But then, I guess we wouldn't have been innocent any longer." Those words stuck with me. I have them recorded in the last pages of that year's journal, which I reserve for the type of quotes you can't get out of your head until you know that they're safely tucked away.

That night, we had all discussed our own mortality beyond the harsh facts we had all already come to accept. We had all accepted our part in the fighting. We knew we could die. But this mortality meant that we would be forgotten. We had discussed the wish to tell those people in the future we probably wouldn't have about our lives, and warn them of the dangers we had, so far, lived through. I dreamt of it that night. I saw people, just like us, sitting around the common room fire. They were talking about us, knew our names and our lives, knew our mistakes and our triumphs. I knew they were generations removed from us, yet they knew us, and had learned from us. After reading about these lives in my journals, I had the dream again.

The next morning, I woke up with an odd feeling of necessity. I stood staring at those tattered books spread across my coffee table, still wrapped in my robe and clutching my morning coffee, for what seemed like hours. I remember thinking of how my own life was recorded in those books. All of the struggles, heartaches and tears, all of the joy I felt, all of the love I shared, was there written on the pages bound by a dozen or so tattered bindings, well-worn from use. Have you ever had one of those moments when you just know? I have them a lot. And in that moment, I knew what I had to do with those books.

I have compiled some of those books into this; a warning, a life – a story. Maybe one day, if I should die in this war, someone else will carry it on, so that everyone can know our lives. I guess if you're reading this, someone already has. Or, perhaps, you will be the one to do so. I have done this for you, whoever you may be, so that you can know. Knowledge is the greatest gift mankind can have. It is all that I can give you.

I am an emotional person. I am irrational and passionate. I loved more than some could ever imagine. I lived more dangerously that most would dare to dream. I lived, and I regret very little. May you live as well.

**Author's Note:**

(Warning! This note will be quite length and arduous. I promise, this will not be a regular occurance.)

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it's because this story has had a couple of previous incarnations. I published a few chapters of it under the name Noahdia. But then I left it to rot, and finding I couldn't get it out of my head, have decided to give it a fresh start. I was never completely happy with the previous stuff anyway. So this is better for everyone.

I'm not saying it's a definite, but here is a basic summary of the plan if it turns out you like it (Because, let's be honest, there's no reason for me to take the time to publish things I can just as easily write for myself if no one is reading it. I don't do it for my ego, I do it to grow as a writer. So, please, all (and I do mean all) feedback is highly appreciated.): This story will be at least 25 or so chapters long. The real chapters will much longer than this one, of course. There might be a sequel, or I might add that information onto this, or I might just not do it at all. But the dream is to do a story from each of the marauder's points of view in the same universe. They will overlap and intersect and it will be bucketfuls of fun.

As to the tone of the story, it won't all be like this. I am of the very firm opinion that the world leading up to and during the first war was five hundred times darker than we in the fanfiction community like to think sometimes. I had a reviewer when this story was first published say that it was like the air raids in London during the world wars, and I agree to an extent. But I think it was probably even worse. Not that I would have experienced any of that to even be able to say. However, rest assured, this will not be merely an indulgent angst-ridden mess. Angst stories have their place, but that's not all this one is. The darkness is necessary, and what makes the world so facinating, but, even more so, is the humor, the ways they would have found to cope with it. Even with all that mess going on, from the way they describe what life was like then, from what Remus and Sirius and others tell Harry, and from what you can gather, they were really funny people. I try my very best to show all aspect of what their lives would have been like.

And now, finally, we come to the last point. I believe the point in writing fanfiction is to have fun and steal other people's material for you own entertainment. That being said, this is now my own official disclaimer and the only one I will write: If you recognize it, that's because you've probably seen it before, and it's not my own work. I like to insert references and lines into things, and it takes all the fun out if I go back and tell you exactly what it is. If I ever steal an exact quite, I will of course cite it in a little note at the end. There very often will be references to music especially. If you want to sue me, try. I consider my own fun to be more important than a bunch of non-existant legal issues. References are not a violation of any copywrite laws. And, as an added bonus, if you are the first to leave a review and tell me where a reference came from, I will send you a sneak peak of upcoming material. So keep a lookout. And if you wonder about it, I'll always be happy to answer in the affirmative or negative individual questions.

Oh, and one last bit. I am publishing this before finding a beta. If you're interested, let me know, or if you might be able to direct me to a good match - someone that would appreciate the story while pushing to get the best out of me. As aweful as my spelling is, I'm trying to find someone that will do more than correct typos.

So, I look forward to your reviews, and I hope you're looking forward to the next chapter. Until then, go find something else to do.


	2. A Ruined Life

Chapter 1

A Ruined Life

Sometimes, my emotions take over.

"You bloody god-forsaken prat!"

So, maybe I could have waited another moment or two after the prefects left to turn on him. I guess I didn't have to start yelling the moment the door closed. Hindsight, right? But regardless of stupidity, it still gives me a little tingle of pleasure, right at the base of my neck, to see him jump. I'm sick, I really am. Sick of James Potter being perfect.

"Lily, what are you talking about? I thought the meeting went well." He looks so innocent. Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it. Well, I guess I am seeing it. Maybe I'll believe it when... oh, I don't know, never?

"I can't believe you!"

Here's the deal. I don't really hate him. Really. Everyone seems to believe that to be the case. So what if I often called him a toe rag? That doesn't equal out to hate.

Well, I guess I can see how one might easily believe that given the circumstances. And not everyone sees it that way. I know I just said they do, but I tend to exaggerate. Hey, even Sev thought there might―never mind.

"I thought we'd been getting on pretty well, Lily. I don't understand why you're mad at me."

"Because you're _ruining my life_!"

He crosses his arms, irritated. I can see him fighting it, trying to remain calm. He never was very good at hiding things. "Now, wait just a moment there. How am I ruining your life?"

"By existing!" I take a moment to breathe a little, trying to compose myself and to keep from blowing little chucks of Lily all over the walls in the explosion. I look up at James with his helplessly bewildered expression, looking at me as if hethinks I really am going to explode. "I can't do this." I spin on my heels and storm out of the prefect compartment. But James is right behind me, angrily murmuring something about goldfish, whatever that means.

"Hold on!" I feel a hard yank on my shoulder, spinning me to face the opposite direction. "I think I at least deserve to know what in Merlin's name is going on here."

"Don't touch me!" I pull away from him. A few younger students are starting to emerge from their compartments to see what's going on. James grabs my wrist and forcibly pulls me back into the prefect compartment. He practically throws me in as he slams the door shut behind him.

"What is wrong with you, Evans? Were you dropped on your head as a child?"

"I was not! ... I don't think."

"Why are you mad at me? I'll readily admit I have at times been the world's biggest prat. But setting out to ruin your life is not one of my many mistakes. Can you honestly look me in the eye and say one reason you're so upset at me being _appointed _Head Boy?"

"Yes! I can think of several."

He's standing there, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, staring at me.

"Can I get back to you tomorrow?"

"Blimey, Evans!" James throws his arms up in exasperation. He turns toward the door again. "I don't have to deal with this. Get back to me when you happen to have recovered your sanity."

I turn away so that I don't have to look at him walking away as I scream out in frustration. It makes me feel better at least. I've worked so hard to achieve this, and what did he do? Smiled that charming smile of his, cracked a few jokes, and everyone loves him. If he just had to work at something for once, I'd be much more inclined to be a bit more courteous. But he doesn't have to work for anything, ever! Stupid rich wizards with their impeccable blood line and unending charm. Stupid brilliant brain of his. Stupid sexy hair and maddening good looks.

The train gives a heavy lurch, causing us to sway on the spot. Stupid arguments on stupid trains.

"What is it, Lily?" I can hear that he's pausing at the door, his voice bouncing off the glass. I can picture him there, his hand immobile on the door handle, his face changing as he turns back around. I close me eyes as I listen to his pleading voice, half sick with myself. "Just tell me, and we'll see if we can't do something about it. We're stuck with each other for the next year, so let's make the best of it." Stupid rational James.

I spin around to face him. "You want to know why I'm mad at you? Because you've taken everything I've worked toward for the past six years."

"I haven't taken anything from you!" His exasperation is breaking through. "In case you haven't noticed, you have a badge, too."

"But I had to _work _for mine!"

Recognition washes over him. I wish I could slap that pitying look off his face. I don't need his tainted compassion. And I don't want this silence.

His voice is quiet when he speaks again. "Is that what this is about?" I cross my arms as he sighs, turning away again so that I don't have to look at his face. "Look, I know that I've had a lot of things I don't deserve come to me. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't deserve any of them. But we're here. And as daft as Dumbledore must have been to give me the badge, I'm very proud to wear it. This is important to me, just like it's important to you. I want to work with you on this, not fight against you."

I really shouldn't be putting this all on him, I suppose. It's really not his fault he's so perfect.

"I can't talk to you right now." I turn to walk out the door.

"Bloody hell, Evans!" He screams it out just as I'm trying to edge past him and escape out the door. "What is wrong with you?"

Plenty. I really don't know what makes me this way. Believe me, I'd like to not have a temper, or pride. Life would be so much easier, I can tell you that. But I just can't seem to help it.

He grabs my arm again. Instead of yelling at him to let go, I look at his eyes. Anger, more at myself now, at the world now, than at him, pulses through me. Like drum beats on my body I feel it pulsing. This close, his eyes draw me, whirlpools today, color like the sun glinting off a green ocean. I grit my teeth and look away. He lets go, and I leave.

I need to find some solace. I can feel my blood still, coming to a boil beneath my skin. The corridor becomes more like a tunnel the farther down I go, the more compartments I look into; compartment after compartment, full of laughing, happy faces. How far down the train did they go?

The train lurches again. This time it's enough to knock me into the wall. "Stupid trains." But the door I'm knocked into happens to hold some friendly faces behind it.

Finally, sanctuary.

I slam the door to the compartment. Two faces turn in shock toward me. "What happened to you?" Meredith backs away slightly as I throw myself onto the seat beside her.

"James Potter and his absolute, fabulous idiocy happened to me." I turn to look at her mocking face. "Sorry, Meredith, for your less debased opinion of him."

She laughs out loud at that. "Just because our mothers are friends doesn't mean you can't have a different opinion. But it's not like your opinions matter much when you're angry, anyway."

"Thanks, Meredith, for your understanding nature."

"No problem." She pulls her pompous little French magazine back up to her face. Okay, so I'm not the nicest person when I'm angry. I'm also completely stupid. I honestly do know that Meredith is the sweetest, kindest little Hufflepuff that ever existed. That knowledge just doesn't always make it to my mouth when I'm snapping at everyone that walks by.

Sara's trying not to laugh, I can see it all over her face, burying her eyes in whatever reading material she happened to get out of her trunk in case no one joined her compartment this year. She's so irritatingly passive. Okay, so it's only irritating when I'm being irritating.

I try to take a deep breath to calm down.

"Need some relaxing, Lily?" Sara looks over at me, twilight eyes staring out from underneath her black hair, voice an oddly delightful fusion of accents―these being from her English dad and _very _southern state-side mom and the correspondingly international family time. Why does she get to be so unique and mysterious?

"_Yes_." I thought she'd never ask.

I jump down on the floor in front of Sara. She has these amazing hippy powers she picks up from visiting her state-side family. Well, really she just teaches me to relax with breathing techniques and gives me massages. But my embellished version is better.

The door slams open again. "Are you really not going to let me in on this, Evans?"

"That was the plan." I close my eyes and try to ignore James practically burning in fury.

"Hello, James."

"Hey, Meredith." His entire demeanor changes in a flash as he sits down beside her. "Savez-vous pourquoi elle est comme ca?" They're speaking French again! The rest of us aren't all bilingual, thank you very much. Honestly, can't everyone just stop rubbing their brilliance in my face today?

"Non, je suis desole. Nous ne pouvins pas comprendre."

Stop it! Just stop it.

"Honestly, Lily. We're not going to get anywhere if you don't at least try to loosen up." I can feel Sara's hands pause on a particularly painful spot on my shoulder.

"Sorry." I crack one eye open at James and Meredith and their bilingual whispers. "It would help if certain prats would leave the compartment."

"Honestly!" James throws his arms open in exasperation and then crosses them as he settles back into his seat. "Not until you tell me why you've turned into a wild tiger about to claw my eyes out."

"Turned into?" Sara and Meredith ask together. I send glares at Meredith. Sara's off the hook for the moment as she's behind me, which makes glaring decidedly more difficult.

"Sorry." Meredith puts a hand up in defeat and goes back to her magazine. Sara just laughs. She better be glad she and her mysterious hyppie powers are indispensable.

"I've told you, _Potter_, I'm not talking to you." I close my eyes and try to concentrate on the breathing Sara taught me.

"You should hold the breath a little longer before exhaling. I think the point might be to _slow _the breathing a bit."

"Shut UP, James!"

"Just trying to help."

"You can help by leaving!"

"Sorry, that's not possible."

"Not possible because you're being childish!"

"I'm not the one yelling."

"So help me I―"

Just then the door slams open again.

"James, we've been―Meredith! Bonjour, mon amie!" I will kill you, Sirius.

"I swear to everything alive, if one more person speaks French, I will dock twenty points!"

I can feel everyone staring at me. I'm trying so hard to keep my eyes closed and to keep breathing.

"Lily, love, did you swallow an angry pill again today?"

Sara tries in vain to hold me down as I jump up from the floor at Sirius. The prat jumps back into the doorway where Remus was formerly trying to stand. James jumps up to hold me back, being more capable of doing so than Sara.

They all stare at each other as I drill holes into Sirius's perfect face with my eyes.

"I think we might need to give James and Lily a little room." Meredith urges everyone out the door.

"I think that might be a good idea." Sirius backs away slowly, refusing to turn his back to me.

James holds me in place until everyone has cleared the area. As I watch them all head further down the corridor, I feel some of the anger seeping away with them. James lets go of me and I fall back into the seat. I keep trying to breathe.

James is silent for a while, staring out the window from where he stands. I stare at the wall. In and out, slowly. And the silence stretches.

"Just tell me, Lily. Why do you hate me so much?" His face is downcast toward the floor, his voice soft and low.

I sigh. "I don't hate you, James."

"Yeah, that's believable right now."

I take a breath and look at him, somehow, regaining some semblance of calm. "I just don't like you very much right now."

"Oh, that makes me feel so much better." He begins to pout, crossing his arms and looking out the window again.

"It doesn't have anything to do with you, really. Well, I guess it does. But only that you're too good at everything." I can hear the words spilling out of my mouth without much control of them. It's like a broken dam. Once the leak starts it's all downhill from there. "I've worked so hard for everything. Then you come around behind me and work for nothing and you get it all, too. You're too brilliant at life, and it makes me so mad and so jealous. Not to mention that you're entirely set for the rest of your life, never have to worry about anything. And the reason I don't like you right now, it does have to do with you a bit, but it's more that you're Mr. Perfect. And I'm such a horrible person that can't just be happy for you, I have to try to ruin your life." My voice is starting to crack. "I shouldn't be taking anything out on you, I know. Just because you're perfect and my life is falling apart, it isn't your fault. Just because everyone has left. Those moronic, foul Death Eaters, they ruin everything."

He's staring at me in shock. "Merlin. Are you crying?"

What? I reach up and touch my cheek. My fingers come back wet. "Bloody hell." Can't anything go right in my life? I storm out of the compartment , trying to be fast enough for James not to follow me. I could just calm down if he'd go away. Maybe.

He shouts after me down the corridor, his voice growing fainter as I flee far, far away. Not that it's going to be that far on a train. Stupid trains. I try to hurry while the train moves and jerks across a bridge, nothing out the window but misty, drizzling rain that blurs your vision like a broken television, the ground far fallen beneath us.

Sirius pokes his head out the compartment door just as I hurry past it. Thank everything alive the next compartment down is empty. I slam the door in their faces as he and the rest of them try to follow me. I lock it with a quick spell and fall down to the floor against it, trying to breathe evenly with the angry tears spilling down my face. I can feel the stinging now, hard heat in the corners of my eyes.

The whispers are just outside the door.

"Was she crying? I don't think I've _ever _seen her cry."

"Not even I've ever seen her cry."

"It happens. She usually hides it well enough."

"What did you _do_, Prongs?"

"Nothing! I swear! She just started ranting and then she was crying and I was in shock and then she just ran out―"

"It's okay, James, we know you didn't do it."

"Of course he did."

"Shut up, Black. Come on."

"Hey! Don't grab my shirt, it's new. Where are we going?"

"We need to see Snape."

"If you think―"

The voices finally fade as they walk on down the hall. I crawl up into the seat, trying to will myself to stop crying. I'm so tired. I'm tired of living this way. I barely even feel myself falling asleep, lulled by the rocking movement of the train.

Petunia and her new, somewhat vile boyfriend are loading her car. The sunlight bearing down on our small garden is bright to the point of painful. I can feel the pressure in my lungs from the heat, and the hurt.

"Tuney, I don't understand. Why?"

Petunia throws a suitcase into her back seat with a typically unknown force and spins around to face me. "Stop calling me that, Lily. And I've already told you. You decided on this crackpot life of yours. You made your choice, I made mine. I don't want this insanity in _my _life. Not anymore."

Please, Petunia, don't do this." I stare down at the browning grass.

"I'm not the one who decided to be a freak. I can't do―" Petunia drops her sentence and looks over to the road. Sev is standing there, hunched over and unsure. I look over to see Petunia's furious face. She turns and throws another suitcase into her back seat.

"Tuney―Okay, okay, Petunia –don't do this because of Sev. We'e not even friends anymore."

"Lily―" Sev's voice calls out to me. I can hear the pleading in it even as I close my eyes to it.

"Shut up, Sev."

"Like I'm going to believe that. The two of you have been practically the same person since we were kids."

"Did you miss last summer, Petunia?"

"Don't get smart with me, witch." Petunia whispers it like the word itself is venom dripping from her mouth. She glances over at the large man on the other side of the car as he tries to shove a lamp in behind the passenger seat, completely ignoring our argument.

"What, Tuney," I can feel venom falling into my own tone, "Haven't told you little boyfriend about me yet? What _have _you told him? Did he even know I existed before today?"

"Well, honestly, she _can't _tell him, Lily."

"Shut up!" Petunia and I screech at Sev in unison. I look at her hopefully, trying to smile. But her furious face is turned back to me.

"Listen, Tuney―"

"This conversation is over." Her eyes are hard and cold, and I feel my veins turn to ice from the infection of their glare.

"Petunia, dear, we need to get going." The boyfriend is standing by the driver's side of Petunia's car.

"Of course, Vernon dear."

She turns and gets into the passenger seat of her own car, resolutely refusing to look me in the face. I want to say something else, come up with some other brilliant response to get her to stop, or just even look at like she used to do, like my existence means anything at all. But words fall short in my throat. My eyes follow the car as it turns out of the drive. When it passes by Sev, my eyes rest on him.

"Lily, I just want to talk to you." I turn away from the desperate face and imploring voice. "I told you I was sorry a million times." I can hear the gate open as he enters the garden to come after me. "I miss you. I'm so sorry for what I did. I don't know what I was thinking."

The sky has turned instantly into steel and the air itself now seems heavier and my heart breaks under the pressure. "That's just it, Sev. It wasn't just that. I'd just had enough of your―"

I turn around to find him gone, vanished. The air where he's supposed to be is darker, like the light is being sucked in through a hole in the world where Sev was just standing, trying to get me to forgive him.

They're both gone.

A sadness washes over me instantly, like the steel gray that c overs the sky as it grows darker by the moment. And then hopelessness sinks into my chest. I turn back to the house, desperate to get back inside to my parents. But the house has disappeared. I'm now standing in an empty field, alone. The two people that represent my two worlds have now vanished, and I'm left with nothing.

Night has fallen out my window. There's a soft knocking on the door as I open my eyes, still shaking slightly from the heartache.

"Lily, we're about to come into Hogsmeade. You need to get up, sweetie." I can hear Sara's soft voice outside my door. I'm so glad she's here now.

I jump up and yank open the door. "Thank―" James is beside her. "Are you kidding me?"

"I'm sorry, Lily. But you are going to have to supervise the unloading with him." I rarely see Sara anything but completely tranquil and poised. Bot now, she almost seems anxious.

"Right." I take a breath. "Right." I turn away from James's blank silence and Sara's anxiousness to grab the school robes I was using as a pillow, hitting them with a quick anti-wrinkle charm before throwing them over me. "Alright, let's go."

I walk away from Sara, James following me.

"Lily―"

"I don't want to talk about anything right now, James. I just want to get this job done."

"Wait." He grabs my arm and spins me around, again. But instead of saying anything moronic, he passes a wave over my face with his wand. I didn't realize how puffy my face had felt until it was returned to normal.

Looking into his eyes, I see them change, moss-covered forest floors. There is compassion there, and, for once, I accept it. "Thank you."

"No problem." I've rarely seen his face so quiet.

The train begins to slow down, jostling us so that we break eye contact. My eyes stay on the floor until the train comes to a stop. Then, we walk out silently into the night.

**Author's Note:**

**I know for the three of you that saw the note on the old story, I said I'd have this up two days ago. It turns out puts a lock on new accounts. So, I'm putting it up with a second chapter ready. As always, feedback in incredibly appreciated.**


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